It isn’t just a light switch….

It’s constantly needing things in a specific way, for you to be perfect and have everything just right.

I’m talking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD) something I developed from trauma because a lot of my trauma poked at my faults and therefore to be “enough”, and I didn’t just develop one type of OCD, no I am the lucky short straw winner of two types of OCD and OCD tendencies. I developed behaviors, sort of like rituals, in which I need order and symmetry but not just that I need everything to feel just right.

When I wake up in the morning, my brain isn’t slow to turn on, it’s like the Shanghai Maglev in China, which is the fastest train in the world, topping speeds at 269 mph. I instantly go from dead sleep to “Are the light switches the same way I left them last night” “Something feels off, what feels off. I need to not feel off” “God get up you freaking idiot, stop dragging your feet” “Oh my gawd look at this room, it’s disgusting, you have to clean this today!”

And you may say, “Well isn’t that everyone?” while true, I don’t just think the things and can move on with my life, there are certain things I feel compelled I have to do and if I don’t, fuck the anxiety. I think I’d take a panic attack from my generalized anxiety disorder than the sheer fear and panic that instills in me if I tried to not feed into my OCD wants/needs.

Sure I have some of the typical things you think of when you think of OCD, such as certain light switches in my home needing to not be in “just the right” position, but also having to be symmetrical within those positions.

In addition though, if I make a mistake, I’m immediately spiraling. I’m not good enough, perfect enough, I’m not “just right”. My mistake costs me an emotional rollercoaster, which at times brings back suicidal ideations….well as of late it has.

I watch those videos on TikTok of creators who have Chronic Illnesses try to explain their energy bar for ordinary tasks compared to if you didn’t have a Chronic Illness, and honestly living with OCD is exactly the way they explain it. Dependent on the task, or usually in my case mistake, depends on the amount of energy and sensory overload I start to feel by the end of the day.

An example of this was at work last week. I royally screwed up. I’m not going to get into the specifics but just know it was bad enough that my employer would have grounds for termination. And yes a normal person would have big emotions and all the racing thoughts of “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. What am I going to do….”. I immediately vomited and began spiraling feeling as if I had let the entire world, to include the readership I’m attempting to build down. On top of all that my mind went to “This person is going to be so pissed at me.” “I’ve done something so horrible for the company. I’ve made things so much harder, etc”. One mistake, a mistake that once I talked to my therapist, I’m sure is made more frequently than talked about, led to a path in which I had to leave work early, immediately see my therapist, and for the remainder of the day I was so overwhelmed with the world, I ended up sleeping or hiding away.

I freaked out so much, after reporting my screw up, I ended up messaging my leadership an additional 15 times because in my mind I needed a grander punishment and harsher words than what they were currently using. How dare they understand it’s a mistake. A mistake I would normally not make. A mistake a immediately reported, while others may not say a word and hope they just get away with it. God forbid they see me as human with imperfections.

In that moment I created a new unhealthy, and lets be honest in many was harassing type ritual because I had a fault. I was human and made an error, no matter how minor…or large. I couldn’t see past the blinders I was wearing because of the imperfection I presented which in return felt like a weakness to me because I must be perfect at all times. I must please all the people at all times. I cannot be human.

It’s sort of like “Seriously brain, wtf?! Sit tf down and shut up for two seconds. Think of this logically”. and yet my mind goes “Take shelter, take shelter immediately we must prepare for the worse of the worse. It doesn’t matter that leadership gave the likely outcome, they are fucking liars. They cannot be trusted and we must prepare. We have let everyone down. Our kids, our husband, our online community, the worlds I’m creating in my books, the editor I’ve yet to formally hire, the readership I don’t quite have yet. I have fucked up massively and everyone is better off without me”

It becomes catastrophic to me. I start catastrophizing everything. I will find anything that has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with the situation and yet somehow in my mind it has everything to do with it and is the “aha, I gotcha” moment.

I’m sure I am rambling and I am most definitely not explain this the best and doing a disservice to others who have varying degrees of OCD. And of course everyone who has my two types of OCD have it in different ways and different severities, not one person is going to react in ways I do, but as I lay here and write this out, completely drained from a day that only required me to send emails and stare at a screen, I wanted to show it’s more than what Hollywood writes.

It’s the small little compulsions that may seem innately normal to you but really, are rituals for those who need to quiet the thoughts because it’s one of those “One more things and I’ll break”, it maybe the random outburts that seem like touretts, at least in my case, but really is another compulsion to remove the anxiety. It’s having to have your work done in a specific pattern repeatidly.

Oh or when your husband takes your daughter on her first outing with her permit and because he doesn’t do exaclty what you have planned in your head, your entire day is thrown off and then you feel embarassed for your outburst but can’t formulate the exact words on the spot to explain why you are being a total asshat.

And yes that is a true story that just happened this past weekend. Hello the 34 year old OCD toddler meltdown as I call it.

It’s that out of control feeling and trying to find any semblance of control. It’s not just the Howie Mandel OCD’s of the world, or the televsion interpreted versions where there are certain obvious behaviors. It’s everything in between, and it’s all fucking exhausting.