Bury me with…

At the time of writing this, there is a trend happening with a song sung by Pink.
The trend is where you post a photo of yourself with the wording “When I’ve passed bury me with….” and the very next photo states “because I…”.

I took part in this sharing about a dog I had through all of my twenties during the worst of my mental health crisis, but what I didn’t share was, “When I’ve passed, bury me with….because I’ve got a lot of regret and apologies to say”. The reason is because I’m not sure what to bury with one who just wishes to see their high school friend again and apologize to them for the last words that were spoken. 

Do you bury them with all the things that friend never got to experience? Or with a notebook that lists all of their regrets? All of their reasons to say sorry? Or all the things they wish they would have said instead?

What do you take with you beyond this life to the person you never knew would understand what you were going through because they themselves were experiencing it too. Of course on a different level than you and in a much more violent and extreme physical capacity. Nonetheless they would have gotten it.

I often play that day back in my head. I can see what each of us were wearing. I can hear his laugh. See his smile. See the sparkle he had that, like me, masked the dark we were going through. During these times, I often wondered if I would have just said “Love you” would that have changed anything? Would it had made a difference in which we both felt we could confide in the other. 

He was my husband, who at the time was my boyfriend, my now husband, that is, best friend. So it would be weird to tell your partner's best friend, love you. Or so I thought. Now I know, it’s not weird and you should say it to anyone because you never know what your last words may be to someone. So if they mean something to you, always leave that conversation letting them know they mean something. Be it you love them. You give them a hug. You remind them how much they mean to you. How good they are, etc. Just fucking tell them.

I wish I would have.

So this is to you Michael and to all the things I wish I would have known. All the things I wish I would have said. And when it’s my time, whenever that may be, I hope there’s a dock with a pond, and we can sit at the end of the dock just to have all the conversations we never got to have. I can experience what life would have been with you in my life. In your best friend's life. Instead of what life was like without you. 

I hope whenever that day comes, I can at least know in the time without you, we did you proud. 

Xo,

Gretchen Elaine